new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
