Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour