sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.