Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
