It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
