Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
