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Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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