no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
