god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
