She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
