I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
