why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
