Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
