Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
