I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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