Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
