shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we're making bets on your personal life
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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