In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
