I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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