You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
