Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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