Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
