No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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