I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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