He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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