Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pants are for mortals
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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