No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
