a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I intend to get homeless drunk
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
