My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
