Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
