best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
