Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
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it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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