you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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