she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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