1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
