He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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