i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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