My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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