this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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