Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
