you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
