at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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