I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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