On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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