i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
