Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
