I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
