you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
