New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
