Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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