so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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