I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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