And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
