The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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