I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
