I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
