there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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